Thursday, May 31, 2012
♥ My Paradise
Back from YEP to Cambodia after 2 weeks.
It was the time of my life.
Not going into details about my day to day activities there, but I'm just gonna share some of the thoughts that I have during and after the trip.
When we went over to UNACAS, all the kids were excited to meet us.
They held our hands and started playing with us.
Soon, almost every team member has a kid which sticks to them.
I played with a few of them and I didn't wanna get attached to any one kid.
Not due to any negative reason, but me being me, tend to avoid letting myself be emotionally attached to someone I know I may not see again. Just didn't want the parting to be so sad.
But things changed, I spent time with this 14 year old boy-Chan everyday.
He's also my student for English lesson.
Chan is a really sweet boy. Something special about him is that he's an introvert too.
He's different from other boys. He likes to do 'girly' activities such as drawing, tying hair, making friendship bands. Most of the time he will be sitting alone, staring into space.
Maybe not many has tried to get to know him but talked to the more active kids instead.
But he may actually be the one needing a friend.
I also appreciate every little thing that he does.
His drawing, friendship band, pottery, games and him walking back to church with me.
Life in Cambodia is so chilled with the slow pace of life,
laughter of children and scenic views. The kids in UNACAS have brought joy to me in many ways. Their smiles, cheekinesss, touch, greetings, actions, everything. Although we have only been here for 6
days, it felt like weeks and we have all adapted well to the ‘kampong’ life.
Looking back at the life we lead back in Singapore, we have
so much to reflect upon. How often do we rush through the motions of life
without much thoughts of what we are doing? Do we truly find joy and purpose in
whatever we do? Contrary to what the majority believes, happiness can be easily
found. It is not the amount of money that we make, or the number of As that we
get. Yes, wealth and achievements are important. But perhaps we should ask
ourselves if we are spending our whole lives pursuing them and in the process
neglecting what is more important. Happiness begins by appreciating what you
have, including your family and friends.
{/9:27 PM}
<3, Xue Er
Thursday, May 10, 2012
♥ Before I vanish for a fortnight
Leaving for Cambodia on Monday for 2 weeks.
I've always wanted to go for OCIP trip after I've been on a mission trip 6 years ago.
I remembered it was an eye opener. I felt refreshed, blessed and encouraged.
We tend to be consumed by the hustle of city life, wallow in self-pity of 'failures' deemed by society.
Once in a while, we should remind and even see for ourselves what happiness means to others.
So here am I, excited about what God has for me in this impoverished nation.
I hope in one way or another, I'm able to make a difference.
Sounds cliche, but it always feel so good to see others smile because of you.
This trip will also be a getaway for me.
So many things have happened in the past year.
I hope to take this time to clear my mind and be prepared for what's ahead.
It's also good to take a break from technology sometimes.
2 weeks without Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Emails and whatnots.
It will be an awesome feeling to be uncontactable-which I yearn for at times.
I hope to return with new insights.
There's definitely much to be learnt from the locals.
By then, I should also have put aside certain issues that have been bothering me.
You know, sometimes it's so hard to confront some of the problems that you face because you barely have your own personal space to think...
{/9:19 PM}
<3, Xue Er
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
♥ The first chapter closes
So that was it... the end of year 1 in Uni.
Gone too soon....
The second semester has been better than the first.
Better in the sense that I'm more adapted to Uni life.
I've made some really good friends too.
And I'm glad that the Uni clique still managed to stay together despite us taking different modules.
Wanna thank God for His faithfulness in the past year.
He has blessed me in so many ways.
I've been disappointed and confused, but I know that all things are working out according to His plan.
I learnt alot in the 2 semesters, especially about human relations.
Not gonna elaborate much, but it's actually quite an experience being able to interact with many different kinds of people.
Gained more perspectives.
I'm glad that I'm questioning my existence in Accountancy less often these days.
Although there are times I really wished I had gone to Arts or Science.
But then again, I can't be sure that I'll be really happy if I had gone to another course.
Besides, I'm pretty sure that I'll miss out on a huge part of Uni life without my friends.
Since I'm already in Accountancy, why not just make the best outta it?
Looking forward to a fruitful 3 months break!
Highlights of this summer will be...
Meet-ups with friends/classes/shopping/outings.
YEP to Cambodia (14-27 May)
APUY Conference (17-22 July)
Gonna be free from June to mid-July, hopefully I can get a job.
I'm really excited to get my braces removed when I'm back from Cambodia.
After 4.5 years, the day is finally arriving!
Oh my goodness, I wonder how I managed to live with biteplate & braces for so long!
Just wanna share some of the thoughts I've had in mind recently.
I've been thinking about death.
Not in the emo-sucidal sense. But rather the how fragile life can be.
What if someone close to me, or perhaps just someone I know, pass away all of a sudden. How would I feel? Will I regret not treasuring that person?
What if I pass away? Would I have made a difference in someone's life? Will I leave this place without regrets?
I think we tend to take life for granted. The thought of death is something that we most prolly won't have until we've reached a certain age. And if everyone were to learn to appreciate each other, wouldn't there be lesser broken relationships and regrets?
{/9:28 PM}
<3, Xue Er
Friday, March 30, 2012
♥ Heart of Stone
I really wish that I can have a heart of stone and not be so sentimental.Not quite possible though. Because I'm human.It's not within my control but I've always thought it's within my control to prevent myself from getting consumed by my feelings.It takes time. It takes disappointments. It takes effort.It's definitely not easy. But I'm tired of getting distracted.And when I know it's getting nowhere, I believe it's only wise to stop. As much as I say I will and I can sort my thoughts out.I'm actually not quite confident of it.I don't know where to start.Perhaps this time, I've crossed the line.The line that I've always reminded myself not to cross.Right now, I'm hoping that time will settle everything.I'm pretty sure it will.
{/6:37 PM}
<3, Xue Er
Saturday, March 03, 2012
♥ Free yourself
別等不該等的人，別傷不該傷的心。
有些人，注定是生命中的過客；有些事，常常是讓我們很無奈。
與其傷心流淚，不如從容面對。
孤獨，不一定不快樂；得到，不一定能長久；失去，不一定不再擁有。
愛的時候，讓他自由；不愛的時候，讓愛自由。
看的淡一點，傷就會少一點。
Saw this poem (or whatever it's meant to be) on FB and found it to be true.
I guess it pretty much describes how I feel about certain issues.
It's inevitable that we develop feelings for someone, especially over time.
However, it's not always good to let these feelings consume you.
We've gotta draw the boundary even if it means going through some emotional struggles.
Give your attention only to those who deserve it.
He who doesn't appreciate you doesn't deserve your concern.
{/1:29 AM}
<3, Xue Er
Thursday, February 23, 2012
♥ Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Hadn't been in the best of mood lately.
Feel so unmotivated and overwhelmed.
Sometimes don't you wish you understand why some things happen?
I find myself questioning God for everything that didn't turn out the way I want it to be.
Just feel emotionally drained.
I'm having pretty bad mood swings.
Can't figure out exactly how I'm feeling now.
I need a day when I can just not think about anything that's bothering me.
A day without contacting anyone, a day without stress, a day without work.
Just me, myself and I.
Seems like I'm back to my reclusive self.
Maybe I'm better off living by myself.
I'm overly independent anyway.
And I'm kinda tired of having others relying on me.
Even now at 20, I still can't quite figure out the 'real' me.
I'm definitely not fake or hypocritical, but I'm quite confused by who I perceive myself to be and who I actually am.
What defines you anyway?
Who we turn out to be is shaped by what we think we are, isn't it?
But what about the innate character? How much of it defines us?
Beliefs and values. Environment.
All these factors don't always complement each other.
I know I sound like some confused teenager undergoing the stage of rebellion.
But nay, I think finding yourself is an ongoing process.
People change all the time.
And I'm one person who's always changing.
For better or worse? Good balance of each.
As for now, I think I've too many emotional barriers.
I'm enigmatic, yes.
But that's me.
Not for anyone but God to judge.
{/6:59 PM}
<3, Xue Er
Thursday, February 16, 2012
♥ Back to the beginning
I'm generally happy with life now.
Although school can be stressful but I still enjoy it.
I may complain and lament about all the work that needs to be done.
But I'm sure school life is what I'm gonna miss most next time.
Almost 2 months have past. Too quickly.
This semester seems busier than the last.
And I hadn't had much interaction with my class as before since I dropped a couple of modules.
Glad to be still able to see the closer group of friends sometimes.
Though I wish we could hang out more often, but it isn't quite possible.
I'm getting the momentum of Uni life. Yes, I'm pretty slow at adapting.
I really hope that I can do better this sem.
At least pull my CAP up by a grade.
It seems impossible to improve by so much but I'm just gonna try my best.
I'm glad that I'm taking things more easily now.
Whatever was distracting, I've been trying to avoid them.
Sometimes we know that we're acting foolishly but we still don't do anything about it.
Not because nothing can be done, but because we still hope that our foolish actions will get us somewhere.
Time after time, we keep getting disappointed. But we still hold on to the hope.
It's not easy to let go. But when there's a need to, we have to.
There's hardly anything that can't be changed.
I believe many things are within our control and our choice.
I admit there are instances when feelings get in the way.
Attachment isn't always a good thing.
Especially when it's not mutual.
I'm rather skeptical when it comes to relationships.
I dare say that 'forever' doesn't exist. People change.
That doesn't make me any less sincere, it's just that I think it's difficult to maintain any form of relationship if either party isn't willing to put in the effort.
And this is the tricky part, how can you ensure that all are genuinely sincere about making a relationship (or friendship for that matter) work?
Where do you draw the boundary if there should be any?
Very often, we are taken for granted when we treat others too nicely.
I'm always a victim of this. Seems like a lesson that I'll never learn.
I don't know what lies ahead.
Whether or not my mindset will change.
As I've said, people change.
Maybe next year I will look back and wonder what I was thinking when I wrote this post.
But as for now, I'm still the person who wants my own personal space.
Not getting too tied down by worldly concerns.
The independent me. Comfortable with all the freedom that I have.
{/12:31 AM}
<3, Xue Er
